I Will Probably Be A Spinster

The following are conversations between me and various guys that have tired to “court” me.

Date: So tell me about yourself.

Me: I’m flexible.

Date: Oh, really?

Me: Not that kind of-I meant…… physically I’m as flexible as uncooked spaghetti.

He seemed a little disappointed by this.


Me: So….do you want to hold hands.

Date: That’s kind of…

Me: Intimate?

Date: More than that. You know how dogs pee on things to mark their territory? I’m not ready to make you mine and vice versa.

Me: If it makes you uncomfortable I understand……

Date: What’s the “normal” definition of holding hands?

Me: I….don’t know..I guess people who more than like each other experiencing light physical contact. I never thought about about “definition” before…


Me: So how was your night.

Date: Meh..I ended up sleeping in my friend’s bathroom floor, it was awful. But I  couldn’t sleep in her bedroom.

Me: Why?

Date: It was a preventive measure.

Me: Not following.

Date: I wanted to make sure she and I didn’t do anything.

Me: I’m still not…..

Date: I was afraid we would have sex.

To the guy’s credit he was wearing a purity ring


This last one wasn’t a date I was actually in class and the guy was just a classmate that had been flirting with me.

Guy: Sorry I was late I had to take my pregnant girlfriend to the hospital.

I swear that was a direct quote.


I finally I have accidentally asked two married men. In my defense they weren’t wearing their rings.


Things I learned From Dismantling a Pageant Stage Late At Night

1. People will think you are a asshole if you ask them about their weekend after someone falls off a stage and there’s a awkward silence.

Yeah…one of the contestants fell off right before we were going to start the dismantling and clean up.  The stage was about 4 1/2 – 5ft, he took a good hit and paramedics had to be called. I couldn’t take the awkward silence of a room full of adults that know they’re supposed to be quite. Maybe it’s because I’m not adult or I’m socially retarded. Most likely it’s both. Thus my innocuous question was met with “uh”. No really talked to me for the rest of the night.

2. You will look like a cutter afterwards.

The stage was made up of heavy panels that one must be very careful with while lifting. However it was late, the corners probably nicked everyone in various places. I walked away with some very light bleeding and  scraps on my wrists. The one girl ended up with a scrap the took up most of her thigh, but that was the worst of the injuries.

3. I can pass for having a concussion, without even trying……

I introduced myself to the director of the campus activities board, my boss’s boss. However, five minutes later I reintroduced myself.

Director: Wow we’ve already had one head injury tonight. You okay?

Me: Yeah…..I’m just… ditsy like that…

Director: Oh me too, if you’d done this ten minutes later I wouldn’t have realized.

4. It’s really hard to not to stare at someone with Rapunzel syndrome.

I’m sorry…can’t help but think about the human hairball she’s cultivating.

5. Confetti is awful.

That stuff took the longest to clean up. Longer than it took  stack 500 chairs and

to dismantle a good size that sent someone to the hospital. Nuff said.