I Will Probably Be A Spinster

The following are conversations between me and various guys that have tired to “court” me.

Date: So tell me about yourself.

Me: I’m flexible.

Date: Oh, really?

Me: Not that kind of-I meant…… physically I’m as flexible as uncooked spaghetti.

He seemed a little disappointed by this.

—————–

Me: So….do you want to hold hands.

Date: That’s kind of…

Me: Intimate?

Date: More than that. You know how dogs pee on things to mark their territory? I’m not ready to make you mine and vice versa.

Me: If it makes you uncomfortable I understand……

Date: What’s the “normal” definition of holding hands?

Me: I….don’t know..I guess people who more than like each other experiencing light physical contact. I never thought about about “definition” before…

—————-

Me: So how was your night.

Date: Meh..I ended up sleeping in my friend’s bathroom floor, it was awful. But I  couldn’t sleep in her bedroom.

Me: Why?

Date: It was a preventive measure.

Me: Not following.

Date: I wanted to make sure she and I didn’t do anything.

Me: I’m still not…..

Date: I was afraid we would have sex.

To the guy’s credit he was wearing a purity ring

——————

This last one wasn’t a date I was actually in class and the guy was just a classmate that had been flirting with me.

Guy: Sorry I was late I had to take my pregnant girlfriend to the hospital.

I swear that was a direct quote.

——————

I finally I have accidentally asked two married men. In my defense they weren’t wearing their rings.

Things I learned From Dismantling a Pageant Stage Late At Night

1. People will think you are a asshole if you ask them about their weekend after someone falls off a stage and there’s a awkward silence.

Yeah…one of the contestants fell off right before we were going to start the dismantling and clean up.  The stage was about 4 1/2 – 5ft, he took a good hit and paramedics had to be called. I couldn’t take the awkward silence of a room full of adults that know they’re supposed to be quite. Maybe it’s because I’m not adult or I’m socially retarded. Most likely it’s both. Thus my innocuous question was met with “uh”. No really talked to me for the rest of the night.

2. You will look like a cutter afterwards.

The stage was made up of heavy panels that one must be very careful with while lifting. However it was late, the corners probably nicked everyone in various places. I walked away with some very light bleeding and  scraps on my wrists. The one girl ended up with a scrap the took up most of her thigh, but that was the worst of the injuries.

3. I can pass for having a concussion, without even trying……

I introduced myself to the director of the campus activities board, my boss’s boss. However, five minutes later I reintroduced myself.

Director: Wow we’ve already had one head injury tonight. You okay?

Me: Yeah…..I’m just… ditsy like that…

Director: Oh me too, if you’d done this ten minutes later I wouldn’t have realized.

4. It’s really hard to not to stare at someone with Rapunzel syndrome.

I’m sorry…can’t help but think about the human hairball she’s cultivating.

5. Confetti is awful.

That stuff took the longest to clean up. Longer than it took  stack 500 chairs and

to dismantle a good size that sent someone to the hospital. Nuff said.

Apparently I Look Like Dog or Something Else That’s Bitey

Liv: So how was your weekend?

Me: Pretty good, I ended up staring in a student film .

Liv: Nice, how was it?

Me: Pretty fun although I think I got the lead role because I was the only girl with enough free time.

B: That’s still cool

Me: Thank you. I also met this really creepy guy. He was acting like a some lead out of a indie movie.”I’m on cross country trip with no destination”. When people kept turning me down to work in the film he “why are people so afraid”? And asked me “if anyone’s ever bitten me”?

Liv: Has anyone ever bitten you?

Me:Yeah when I was a kid, but I bit them first.

B: You should have said no. Just to see what he does.

Me: Yeah…..I will definitely do that next time.

Seriously What Can Anyone Do With a Tube Top?

Every time I come home my mom loves to surprise me with something.

Me: Oh cool what is it?

*Mom pulls out a tube top*

Me:…….That’s a …..

Mom: Yes.

Me: Covered in sparkly things…

*I touch the tube top*

Me: That are falling off…. What am I supposed to do with this?

Mom: Wash your car or  walk around town and look like a hotty.

Me:……..

*Mom hands me the tube top and walks away*

I left the tube top in my scrap bag, also at my mom’s house. Even if I did wash my…ever, I wouldn’t wear something that would be in constant danger of falling off. I still hope the tube top was just my mom being passive aggressive about my filthy car.

I didn’t think to take a photo of the awful thing while I was over there, but I swear next time I’m home I will.  If anyone has any ideas for what to do the tube top let know.

Well I’m a Feminist

So I’m trying to help one of my roommates with a homework assignment. She needed some examples of social injustices.

Me: How about misogyny?

Roommate: What’s that?

Me: You know hatred of women. ….you do know right?

Roommate:……….

Me: ….. Next you’re going to tell me you’re not a feminist.

Roommate: I’m not.

Me: You don’t believe in equal rites  for women?!

Roommate: Oh I do, I do. I’m just a womanist.

Me:……..What does that mean?

Roommate: I don’t remember. I read it in a textbook and thought yeah that’s what I am.

Me: But you don’t know what it’s means….

Roommate: Nope, I really need to find that book.

I looked up womanism and it’s basically feminism for black woman. I haven’t told her, but figured it wouldn’t matter since she is black.

I Wonder if Anyone Will Read This?

I’ve been agonizing over how to do this first post for days. Then I realized that thanks to my nonexistent blogging experience or exceptions to meet no one will care anyway.

Welcome to my blog where I hope to show the weird/awkward/funny conversations from my life, talk about and maybe review some of my favorite things (books, video games, and movies), and maybe do some cooking segments for the cheap and broke!

Without further ado here a conversation between me and a game design major. Who was giving some character design instruction to my artist friend.

Game Design Guy: She lives up in the cold frozen wastes, but she’s completely immune to the cold and can overheat. She wears these tight biker short like panties and bra like top made out of seal blubber.

Me: You’ve put alot of thought into her underwear.

GDG: If you think I’ve put alot of thought into her underwear you should ask me about the other races. Ask me about the other races.

Me: I only know about the one with seal panties….

He didn’t tell me about the other races. A little later though…

Me: Shouldn’t she just be naked?

GDG: What no….I have a rating to consider.

Me:But it makes sense if she can’t feel cold, but manages to get “overheated”. Besides she could be nonhuman, this fantasy, right?

GDG: Yeah it’s fantasy but,-

Me: Or she could be like a Barbie doll, all shape no parts to complain about.

GDG:…..

Later I told this my dear friend E.

E: Didn’t he take into consideration that if they overheat they must have a really high metabolism.  They’ve have to eat alot of protein bars….THAT”S IT that’s why they wear seal panties! To store the extra food they need to live!