I Will Probably Be A Spinster

The following are conversations between me and various guys that have tired to “court” me.

Date: So tell me about yourself.

Me: I’m flexible.

Date: Oh, really?

Me: Not that kind of-I meant…… physically I’m as flexible as uncooked spaghetti.

He seemed a little disappointed by this.

—————–

Me: So….do you want to hold hands.

Date: That’s kind of…

Me: Intimate?

Date: More than that. You know how dogs pee on things to mark their territory? I’m not ready to make you mine and vice versa.

Me: If it makes you uncomfortable I understand……

Date: What’s the “normal” definition of holding hands?

Me: I….don’t know..I guess people who more than like each other experiencing light physical contact. I never thought about about “definition” before…

—————-

Me: So how was your night.

Date: Meh..I ended up sleeping in my friend’s bathroom floor, it was awful. But I  couldn’t sleep in her bedroom.

Me: Why?

Date: It was a preventive measure.

Me: Not following.

Date: I wanted to make sure she and I didn’t do anything.

Me: I’m still not…..

Date: I was afraid we would have sex.

To the guy’s credit he was wearing a purity ring

——————

This last one wasn’t a date I was actually in class and the guy was just a classmate that had been flirting with me.

Guy: Sorry I was late I had to take my pregnant girlfriend to the hospital.

I swear that was a direct quote.

——————

I finally I have accidentally asked two married men. In my defense they weren’t wearing their rings.

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Pee Won’t Kill You

Me: So did I tell you about the time I dropped my phone into the toilet 

E: Seriously?!

Me: Yeah the speakers stopped working and I had to buy alarm clock. But at least the pee was mine.

E: How is that a good thing?

Me: Well at least I know my pee isn’t carrying any diseases.

E: But it was covered in your pee….

Me: Yeah…and it’s not like I have any diseases. Plus it was easier to clean up than that time I got dog crap on my shoes

My Tumbler is Trying to Kill Me or Not and I Figured Out Red Lobster Cheddar Biscuits

Hey everybody, I’ve been a little stressed and under the weather this week. I felt so terrible earlier this week I had to skip class and nearly missed my other later class.  Web MD and dad narrowed it down to  flu or muscle fatigue. By my the second all I had was exhaustion and muscle fatigue, but I still spent seven bucks on Dayquil to be safe. It was on this same that I also discovered black residue in my tumbler. This being the devil’s armpit I assumed it was mold…So I texted my dad.

Me: Is it possible to get sick from ingesting mold and if so what are the symptoms?

Dad: Yes and respiratory..go to doctor

Me: But I don’t have any respiratory problems……

I didn’t go to a doctor, I did clean my tumbler on and off with tissues. Later that night I was checking my water filter/ pitcher when I noticed some black residue around the upper rim….so the black stuff was charcoal… Apparently activated charcoal is used to absorb ” toxic gases, liquid toxic wastes, germs, and heavy metals“. Huh…Thanks tumbler….?

So I accidently figured the chedder biscuits .  All you need is a box of jiffy biscuit mix just follow the recipe on the box but instead of flour use pancake mix. Add about a cup of shredded cheese and some olive oil. I’m not entirely sure why pancake mix made these instead what’s on the mix box. Pancake mix is basically flour, but has extra ingredients to speed up the cooking process. I guess the biscuit dough reacted some of those extras, but if anyone has any better  theories I would love to hear them.

Apparently I Look Like Dog or Something Else That’s Bitey

Liv: So how was your weekend?

Me: Pretty good, I ended up staring in a student film .

Liv: Nice, how was it?

Me: Pretty fun although I think I got the lead role because I was the only girl with enough free time.

B: That’s still cool

Me: Thank you. I also met this really creepy guy. He was acting like a some lead out of a indie movie.”I’m on cross country trip with no destination”. When people kept turning me down to work in the film he “why are people so afraid”? And asked me “if anyone’s ever bitten me”?

Liv: Has anyone ever bitten you?

Me:Yeah when I was a kid, but I bit them first.

B: You should have said no. Just to see what he does.

Me: Yeah…..I will definitely do that next time.

Seriously What Can Anyone Do With a Tube Top?

Every time I come home my mom loves to surprise me with something.

Me: Oh cool what is it?

*Mom pulls out a tube top*

Me:…….That’s a …..

Mom: Yes.

Me: Covered in sparkly things…

*I touch the tube top*

Me: That are falling off…. What am I supposed to do with this?

Mom: Wash your car or  walk around town and look like a hotty.

Me:……..

*Mom hands me the tube top and walks away*

I left the tube top in my scrap bag, also at my mom’s house. Even if I did wash my…ever, I wouldn’t wear something that would be in constant danger of falling off. I still hope the tube top was just my mom being passive aggressive about my filthy car.

I didn’t think to take a photo of the awful thing while I was over there, but I swear next time I’m home I will.  If anyone has any ideas for what to do the tube top let know.

I’m Also Glad I Live in Age Where Almost Everywhere Has WiFi

I feel bad about not posting anything over the weekend, but nothing really exciting happened. Coincidentally I suck at time management. To make up for it here’s a conversation between my friend E and I. I can’t say how started talking about Vincent Van Gogh.

E: Van Gogh was crazy, he cut off his own ear gave and it too a prostitute!

Me: What! He was a epileptic and did by accident during one of his attacks.

E: I think that would pass for crazy back then.

Me: Just because something was crazy then doesn’t make it crazy now.

E: He gave his sawed off ear to a  prostitute.

Me:……What if  he couldn’t afford flowers or b.j’s?

E: Meh……

Me:……You know he was basically got a lobotomy or whatever you call it when the split your brain.

E: Yeah that’s not a lobotomy, but I know what you’re talking about.

Me: I’m glad I live in age where having seizures won’t get my brain-

E: They still do that. It’s only in extreme cases, but they still split brains.

Me:……..I’m glad I live in a age where I can treat my period with tampons.

Well I’m a Feminist

So I’m trying to help one of my roommates with a homework assignment. She needed some examples of social injustices.

Me: How about misogyny?

Roommate: What’s that?

Me: You know hatred of women. ….you do know right?

Roommate:……….

Me: ….. Next you’re going to tell me you’re not a feminist.

Roommate: I’m not.

Me: You don’t believe in equal rites  for women?!

Roommate: Oh I do, I do. I’m just a womanist.

Me:……..What does that mean?

Roommate: I don’t remember. I read it in a textbook and thought yeah that’s what I am.

Me: But you don’t know what it’s means….

Roommate: Nope, I really need to find that book.

I looked up womanism and it’s basically feminism for black woman. I haven’t told her, but figured it wouldn’t matter since she is black.

I’m really sorry I didn’t take a photo

So my friend Liv and I are walking near one of our schools lakes when I saw something….

Me: Holy crap! There’s a koi fish!

Liv: Really?! Where?

Me:Look- Oh wait it’s just a traffic cone….

Liv: How did I traffic cone get inside a…lake?

Me: No idea, but I’m kinda disappointed….

 

To be honest I’m not sure if it was a lake, swamp, or a retention pond. Regardless a traffic cone sized koi fish would be a nice surprise in any of those places. 

 

I Wonder if Anyone Will Read This?

I’ve been agonizing over how to do this first post for days. Then I realized that thanks to my nonexistent blogging experience or exceptions to meet no one will care anyway.

Welcome to my blog where I hope to show the weird/awkward/funny conversations from my life, talk about and maybe review some of my favorite things (books, video games, and movies), and maybe do some cooking segments for the cheap and broke!

Without further ado here a conversation between me and a game design major. Who was giving some character design instruction to my artist friend.

Game Design Guy: She lives up in the cold frozen wastes, but she’s completely immune to the cold and can overheat. She wears these tight biker short like panties and bra like top made out of seal blubber.

Me: You’ve put alot of thought into her underwear.

GDG: If you think I’ve put alot of thought into her underwear you should ask me about the other races. Ask me about the other races.

Me: I only know about the one with seal panties….

He didn’t tell me about the other races. A little later though…

Me: Shouldn’t she just be naked?

GDG: What no….I have a rating to consider.

Me:But it makes sense if she can’t feel cold, but manages to get “overheated”. Besides she could be nonhuman, this fantasy, right?

GDG: Yeah it’s fantasy but,-

Me: Or she could be like a Barbie doll, all shape no parts to complain about.

GDG:…..

Later I told this my dear friend E.

E: Didn’t he take into consideration that if they overheat they must have a really high metabolism.  They’ve have to eat alot of protein bars….THAT”S IT that’s why they wear seal panties! To store the extra food they need to live!