I Will Probably Be A Spinster

The following are conversations between me and various guys that have tired to “court” me.

Date: So tell me about yourself.

Me: I’m flexible.

Date: Oh, really?

Me: Not that kind of-I meant…… physically I’m as flexible as uncooked spaghetti.

He seemed a little disappointed by this.

—————–

Me: So….do you want to hold hands.

Date: That’s kind of…

Me: Intimate?

Date: More than that. You know how dogs pee on things to mark their territory? I’m not ready to make you mine and vice versa.

Me: If it makes you uncomfortable I understand……

Date: What’s the “normal” definition of holding hands?

Me: I….don’t know..I guess people who more than like each other experiencing light physical contact. I never thought about about “definition” before…

—————-

Me: So how was your night.

Date: Meh..I ended up sleeping in my friend’s bathroom floor, it was awful. But I  couldn’t sleep in her bedroom.

Me: Why?

Date: It was a preventive measure.

Me: Not following.

Date: I wanted to make sure she and I didn’t do anything.

Me: I’m still not…..

Date: I was afraid we would have sex.

To the guy’s credit he was wearing a purity ring

——————

This last one wasn’t a date I was actually in class and the guy was just a classmate that had been flirting with me.

Guy: Sorry I was late I had to take my pregnant girlfriend to the hospital.

I swear that was a direct quote.

——————

I finally I have accidentally asked two married men. In my defense they weren’t wearing their rings.

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Is There Such a Thing As crazy Old Bunny Ladies? If So I’m Screwed.

Today I present some of the cutest bunnies from the internet. With the help of Pinterst and several people that enable my bunny obsession, I’ve found a gang of so sweet you’ll get diabetes.

This was made for memes and that's just what will happen. So look out cats 'cause I'm coming for you.

This was made for memes and that’s just what will happen. So look out cats ’cause I’m coming for you.

You'd think I'd have some hang ups about eating adorable bunny like food.

You’d think I’d have some hang ups about eating adorable bunny like food.

That'll do bun, that'll do

That’ll do bun, that’ll do

"It's white lettuce, it's white lettuce, it's white lettuce...."

“It’s white lettuce, it’s white lettuce, it’s white lettuce….”
"Oh god why did I ask her how her uncle was doing at his funeral?....I'm going to take my brother's advice and hop off a bridge".

“Oh god why did I ask her how her uncle was doing at his funeral?….I’m going to take my brother’s advice and hop off a bridge”.

This picture proves my theory that bunnies are made of part cottony fluff + sugary sweetness + love. I'm sorry but this pic renders all snark impossible.

This picture proves my theory that bunnies are made of part cottony fluff + sugary sweetness + love. I’m sorry but this pic renders all snark impossible.

I want to make a joke about a fairy princess bunny, but I'm I think I just did....

I want to make a joke about a fairy princess bunny, but I’m I think I just did….

If the bunny came from the egg did another bunny lay the egg? Is the Easter Bunny some kind of weird hybrid animal? Or is she one of those mammals that lays eggs like the platypus? Holy that this little guy doesn't have arms!! What kind of genetic fuckery are we dealing with?!!

If the bunny came from the egg did another bunny lay the egg? Is the Easter Bunny some kind of weird hybrid animal? Or is she one of those mammals that lays eggs like the platypus? Holy that this little guy doesn’t have arms!! What kind of genetic fuckery are we dealing with?!!

 

Someone please use this band name. I will buy all your albums.

I think everyone’s heard of fun. or at least their two inescapable mega hits. Well they’re coming to play a concert at my university later in the year. To promote any event happening in the arena the school  usually put’s up projection at night. Which leads me to the greatest ever accidentally conceived .nuf. Just think about it. A period implies that the end of whatever you said or were saying. Adding “nuf”, the shorthand for enough of whatever the fuck, makes the name into something so brilliantly ironic. It’s like some left a room in a dramatic silence and then pops in to say shut up.

20130402-160838.jpg

I’m sorry it’s not more clear. I took it with my phone